


It would be enough

by nanasteiger



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Buck just want to be with Eddie and be Chris dad, Established Relationship, First fights, Jealous Eddie with a twist, M/M, a moment in time far from most recent event in 3x04, also I always make Buck cry sorry, as boyfriends, but he happy cries, mostly - Freeform, this is some kind of recurrent theme in my fanfics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-22 17:57:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21080708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nanasteiger/pseuds/nanasteiger
Summary: Tumblr prompt: Buddie first fight and both too stubborn to apologizeThe last fight was a different one. This fight was the first fight since they got together and it was silly, like most of their arguments were, but it turned into something bigger that both of them could have predicted. It wasn’t even a real fight! he wanted to argue with himself, but they hadn’t talked in so long it felt like it was mutating into one.





	It would be enough

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently when someone gives me a prompt then I can't really follow through and write exactly what they ask me to. But I like this one. I hope you do too.
> 
> Also this is so far from what's happening in the series right now because I _can't_ with the current plot line I just wanted to think about something else. 3x04? I don't know her.

They had had fights before, they had fought for silly things since Eddie’s first days at the station - mostly because of Buck’s childish and competitive behaviour - and they had fought for bigger issues - mostly during and after Buck’s lawsuit against the city. 

Buck’s hot temperament and his instinct to always tell the first that comes to his mind and Eddie’s calm and excruciatingly unnerving behaviour when things got tense were not a good match. Their fights used to consist in Buck saying the wrong thing at the wrong moment, Eddie saying something sarcastic in his low, menacing voice, someone storming out, maybe a staring contest, maybe hours or at worst days without talking to each other. 

But then it would take a more dangerous or emotional call to settle the argument. It helped realize than any moment not speaking to each other was a wasted moment. 

Even during the lawsuit, even if the lawyer had practically forbidden Buck to speak to anyone from the 118, Buck had endured only three days before showing at Eddie’s door even if he was sure that Eddie hated him, to beg for his forgiveness, to ask him to explain. He didn’t exactly solved anything that night, the conversation on Eddie’s patio didn’t ended well, but it was a step forward. One of them usually always took a step forward. 

The last fight was a different one. This fight was the first fight since they got together and it was silly, like most of their arguments were, but it turned into something bigger that both of them could have predicted.  _ It wasn’t even a real fight!  _ he wanted to argue with himself. 

“And then he just said, with the most nonchalant tone ever,  _ but you’re not his father. _ ” 

Buck felt Maddie’s intake of breath even if she was in the other room, washing the dishes from the dinner they just had. 

She had tried to make him talk about the argument for the entire evening but he just kept eating and changing subject at soon as his boyfriend’s name was pronounced. When the dessert was served, and Maddie brought his favourite tiramisù on the table, he couldn’t hold anymore.

Maddie, with still a plate and a cloth in hand, returned in the living room and sat next to him. She didn’t touch him but he could feel her gaze on him, pitying him a little, encouraging him to continue. 

“I know that I am not, Maddie. It stung but I just laughed it off a little because Chris was still there but his tone was so…” Buck could still hear it so clearly, “so final, so firm... like he was saying that he didn’t see any future where I could be a paternal figure for Christopher.”

“So you just up and left?” her tone is incredulous, and made him blush a little. 

“No… well, I…” there was when he knew he had made a mistake. “I told you. I laughed and then I think I stared at him for a while, grabbed my jacket and said goodnight to Chris.  _ Then  _ I left.” 

When she stood up again, plate and hands more than dry at that point, she patted him gently on his head. Her personal sister-y way to say  _ you’re an idiot but I love you _ . 

“I think you’re making this bigger than it really is.”

“No, Mads,” he really,  _ really  _ didn’t want to cry “I really thought that we were on the same page, that we were both in it for the long run, that he saw a future with me and now…” he had to inhale very deeply to keep an even voice. “He doesn’t even want me to go to a fucking school parents-teachers meeting.”

And yes, Buck knew that maybe he was overreacting. He was over analyzing every detail of that conversation and every change in Eddie’s behaviour when they were talking about him not being able to go to the meeting, during his offer, during the following silence. It was a stupid idea, he was mostly joking about going in Eddie’s place, but he would do anything for Christopher and he hadn’t even stopped to think if it would be a big step in their relationship. 

“And we haven’t spoken in  _ days _ . I want to call him but…”  _ but I don’t want to hear him say that we’re going to fast, that we should break up, that I misunderstood my place in the Diaz family, that I’m not longer welcome, that I overstepped.  _

“He hasn’t reached out at all?” 

Buck shook his head, stretching out on Maddie’s couch and grabbing his hair in frustration. It was harrowing to know that he had fucked up again, again another person to get scared of  _ how much  _ he could be. He knew that people got intimidated by his  _ give me an inch and I’ll take the whole mile  _ attitude, by his going all in when it came to relationships. He couldn’t help it, he loved Eddie and he wanted the whole deal, he wanted a family, and even if it wasn’t his intention on hinting that, he wanted to be Chris’ father. 

“Evan… you should call him.”

“He’ll break up with me.” His voice sounded too sad and pathetic even to his own ears. 

“You don’t know that…” Maddie climbed onto the couch back and sat on the cushion, nudging at his head with her knee. “I shouldn’t tell you this but I’ve talked to Chimney…”

Buck almost got backlash from how fast his head turned to his sister, gazing astonished at her. 

“ _ Maddie _ !” 

“You weren’t talking to me! And I wanted to know what was happening.” She sounded a little sorry but he knew her well enough to know that she didn’t regret it. “He doesn’t know what happened, Eddie won’t tell him, but he told me that he looks very sad. He clearly misses you…” 

Clearly not working together anymore didn’t really helped their situation. Not seeing Eddie  _ at all _ , even if he was mad at him, was driving him crazy. 

“I’ll think about it.” was the last thing he had to say on the matter, and Maddie let herself be distracted when he asked about Chimney, starting to rant about  _ how amazing he his! how considerate he was! how handsome!  _ and how she’s really considering discussing with him the option of starting to live together. 

Buck was really happy about finally seeing her so enthusiastic and open about her relationship, but it still stung to hear about her perfect life with her perfect boyfriend when he didn’t even know if he still had one. After leaving her with a kiss and a promise to call her and keep her updated, he sat still in his car for a couple of minutes. 

He wanted to see Eddie. He  _ needed  _ to see Eddie. 

He pulled out his phone, opening the roster Eddie had sent him at the beginning of the month and just as he remembered, and if nothing had changed in the last week, he was probably leaving the station at that very moment after an eighteen hour shift. Christopher was probably already in bed at his abuela’s house and he had approximately twenty minutes before Eddie would arrive at his place and crash too. 

Buck arrived in fifteen.

He parked right outside the house and he could see that Eddie’s car wasn’t in the driveway.  _ Should I have call first? What if he didn’t wanted to talk? Maybe Chris will be home and I don’t want to argue with him present. What if he doesn’t even let me in? What if he just ignores me? Or what if we talk and he says that he will never ever see me as a potential father figure for Chris? Should I leave  _ him _ ? I should have called first. _

When Eddie’s car distracted him long enough to realize that he was gripping the steering wheel so hard it kinda hurt. As always Buck’s thoughts were Buck’s biggest enemies. 

From the rearview mirror he could see Eddie’s figure, a little slouched, getting out of the car and grab his shuffle bag. He had missed him so much that only that vision made his heart climb in his throat.  _ Now or never _ he thought and climbed out of the car, jogged a little to come closer and stopped a couple of steps behind. He really didn’t want to startled him and get attacked because he was being creepy. 

“Eddie…” the name felt stuck somewhere in his chest but when Eddie’s body tensed while locking the car, he knew that he had heard him. When he turned Buck felt small, hands in the pockets of his jeans, head bowed and shoulders drooped. He felt like a child. 

“Buck, what are you doing here?” Eddie seemed more confused than angry and that could have counted as a small victory. If nothing he looked sad and maybe Maddie -well, Chimney- was right. Maybe they had both been miserable without the other. 

“I…” he looked him in the eyes and he kinda forgot was that he wanted to say. “I missed you…” he could only say, with a little, hidden smile, and even if it was true it was only half the reason he was there, “and I think we should talk.”

Eddie squared his shoulders and nodded. Those were dangerous words,  _ we should talk _ . He was probably think that Buck was there to break up with him. 

“Are you breaking up with me?” he said without even turning the lights up when they entered the house. They both knew the house by heart and moved slowly, not daring to make a noise. 

Buck’s stomach dropped at the sound of his voice. The dark room was engulfing them and on any other day, in any other situation, the house would have been filled with sounds and laughter and Chris moving around, but in that moment it was so silent that all Buck could hear were the little pained, wet noises his boyfriend was doing, like he was trying not to cry. He had never seen him cry, he didn’t think he knew how, he should not be allowed to cry because of him. Eddie was a rock, was  _ his  _ rock, and hearing him so defeated was making him dizzy.

“No… no, absolutely not…” he took a couple of steps forward, blindly looking for an arm, his firm weight to hold on to, to grab at. When he found him, hand on the chest and fingers tight around his shirt still damp from the shower he might have took at the station, he pulled. 

Eddie’s hand grabbed at his back, he could feel his sadness by the way he was clinging at him and he felt so stupid, the thought of Eddie not caring for him felt so absurd. 

“But we really need to talk,” Buck said, whispering against his temple. “I want to explain and… I want to understand.” 

Looking back at his entire life -but also just inspecting the last year was more than solid proof- Buck knew to have done a lot of stupid, irrational things that ended up  _ almost _ ruining his life. He knew that all the bad decisions, all the abrupt changes and judgements, were directly proportional to his ability to act before thinking, before asking, before stopping to assess the situation. He couldn’t act like that when Eddie was involved. 

“The other night… I know that I’ve hurt you, when I told you that you are not Christopher’s father.” 

Okay, for once Buck wasn’t crazy. It felt good to have his feelings validated but the hurt lingered. He just nodded even if he knew that Eddie couldn’t see him but feel the movement since they were still so close.

“I didn’t know how to face you after that… more days passed more I felt guilty, the more I was scared to call you. I know how much you care for Chris and I was…” hands climbed over his torso until they cupped Buck’s face. “For a second I was jealous.”

There’s a hint of shame in Eddie’s tone, his fingers were solid against his cheeks but his arms were shaking.

“You were jealous of what?”

“Of you and Christopher, of your relationship. I know it’s stupid and I love how much you too have fun together but…” he took a deep breath “but it scares me sometimes, that he likes you more than me.”

The laugh that left Buck’s lungs, born deep in his chest, is filled more with relief that hilarity. He didn’t really find it funny but he couldn’t contain himself. 

“Don’t laugh at me!” he slapped him on the shoulder and then started giggling a little himself. “It’s irrational. It’s deep-seated in the parent nature.” 

“Ed, my love, I know that you already know this but there’s no one in this world Chris loves more than you. He likes me because I don’t tell him to go to bed and I don’t scold him and I don’t tell him to turn off the tv and start his homework...” and he’d love to do all of that, he loved the idea of acting like a father and share with Eddie the weight of being a parent, share the bad with the good, share every aspect of their life, “because you were right, I’m not his dad.” 

Probably he would suck at parenting, he would mess more than do right. It was better like this. 

“I can be fun-dad’s-boyfriend Bucky. That's enough.” it had to be. 

He wanted that life with Eddie, he wanted the long run, but he could settle for a little less, to have just enough of both. He didn’t need to hear Chris call him  _ daddy _ , or to go to school’s meetings with soccer moms or to help him with math and whatever eight years old learned at school. Maybe if he just had little ice-cream dates and pizza nights, if he had Chris call him  _ his Buck _ and Eddie at his side it would be enough. 

He felt his eyes water, his own thoughts weighing him down.  _ It had to be enough. _

“I just want to be with you. I was scared and desperate that when you said  _ that _ , it meant that you didn’t want... that you… that you felt I was rushing too much, and maybe I am, but I want to be with you, and I want to be with you forever. I want to marry you, have a family of our own, grow old together, I want the whole package… I just love you so much and in that moment I thought you were running away because it was too much.” 

_ Because I was too much. _

His heart was there, in the dark, laid out for him, beating outside his chest and Eddie was holding it in his shaking hands. It was terrifying and intoxicating. 

When Eddie kissed him, it was slow. It was soft and chast and so loving that it finally made Buck break down and cry. 

“I want that too,  _ amor _ . There’s nothing I want more.” 

The way he was touching him, like Buck could shatter in million pieces at any moment, like glass, made him cry harder. He didn’t even know why he was crying anymore. Maybe it was because he was happy Eddie was saying that he wanted the same things as him, maybe because Buck actually wanted more. Maybe because he was afraid that a time would come where it wouldn't be enough. 

“But we don’t have to wait to have our family. We already have one. And I guess I owe you the whole truth.” Buck stilled in his arms and didn’t dare to move waiting for him to continue. “I was the most jealous that night because before you arrived for dinner Chris asked me something and it triggered all this ugly feelings of being replaced but then you left and I understood that he was right. He was so mad at me when you left, almost as much as I was with myself.”

“What did he ask?” 

“He asked me if a person can have two dads.” 

Buck could almost see him, sitting somewhere in that same but more lighted living room, scribbling with crayons, dropping that bomb without his eyes even leaving the paper he was drawing on. Content washed over him, bringing him a calm state of mind he hadn’t felt in days. 

“When I said yes he replied  _ then I want Buck to be my second dad _ .” Buck’s knees were weak and his tears stopped. Dear God, he loved that kid so much. “And he’s right. I want that, I want you to raise that child with me.”

His thoughts flew for a second to Maddie, and the talk of just a couple of hours before. In his life she had always been the only person he had really considered his true family. He could have never imagined that a heart could love so much, that there was so much room for so many people, that he was allowed to  _ feel  _ and  _ express  _ that, that he was so damn lucky. 

Eddie moved them to the couch and when he laid them both down Buck felt suddenly exhausted. He still had his shoes on, he had to wash his face from the tears, but when he rested his head on Eddie’s chest he just accepted that they would have to sleep there because he couldn’t move anymore.

“I’m sorry if I let that bitterness take over me at first, we have been on our own for so long that somewhere along the line I started to believe that I was everything he could need and I had to be the always best he deserved. I forgot that we are allowed to ask for help, to let someone else in. Especially someone like you that has helped me even when we didn’t really know each other, that has loved my son since the first day you two met.”

His voice was a far and kind like a lullaby and Eddie’s heartbeat was echoing inside of his chest. 

“I forgive you.” he was able to say, not even understanding how he still had the strength to talk. “I want to be Christopher’s dad.” 

“I know you do…”

They had spent an entire week far from each other, thinking the worst scenarios and poisoning their own mind. over analyzing and overreacting. Miserable and furious and regretful. It had been so damn tiring not being together or even worse, thinking they would never be together again. 

Buck just nodded at everything and nothing, and without meaning to, he drifted into sleep. 

Everything was finally right and it was more than enough. 

  
  
  



End file.
